


You should never drink vodka from Russia

by Dwarfanonymice



Series: Kingsman's vignettes [6]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Drinking, Illya Kuriakin (mentioned), M/M, Napoleon Solo (mentioned) - Freeform, Slice of Life, unfortunate recruits are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwarfanonymice/pseuds/Dwarfanonymice
Summary: Our boys and girls are enjoying a gift from Russia.Moral of the story: if you can't cope with Russian vodka, don't drink it.





	You should never drink vodka from Russia

The 16th of December brought icy winds and a clear sky to Scotland. That miracle in itself was coupled with a crate full of Moskovskaya Osobaya vodka. From Russia, of course.

“Your little outings in Siberia have payed off, Guinevere” sobbed a completely drunk Merlin.

Said Guinevere was lounging on a couch near the fireplace in his office and contemplating the meanings of life in a glass: “Illya was really too kind this time. My love for him and Napoleon has redoubled.”

“Really? I didn’t think it possible. Not after Napoleon gave you that wonderful perfume from Italy” said an amused voice from the Arabian carpet where Morgana was lying squished by two bored dogs.

“I wonder what Arthur will think of that” added Roxy from one of the armchairs, appearing much more dignified than the others.

“Actually I was just looking for you. Apparently someone has gifted the last three ducklings with two bottles of your precious vodka and they are making a spectacle of themselves. Skinny dipping in the lake…” snickered Eggsy from the doorway. “Shame on you, my queen. And I’m curious to see photos of these gentlemen.”

“Luvvie darling” cried Harry “How wonderful to see you. That won’t be nescesca… whatever. You don’t need it”.

“’kay, Harry. No more for you” nodded Merlin. 

“Don’t worry, sweetie. I sent the photos to you just now” interrupted Morgana who had now lost her shoes and was proceeding to pat Hamish fondly on his head.

"You are just lightweights" said Roxy apropos of nothing.

Eggsy went suspiciously silent and then: “Harry, love of my life, why are those two frankly gorgeous men sending you gifts and such?”

“Aw” Merlin pouted “he is jealous. Adorable. Like a puppy with no teeth.”

Amidst the laughter that erupted from the others, Eggsy sniffed: “Bruv, ask my predecessor if I had no teeth. That’s it. I’m taking away the booze and we are talking. These guys are too good looking for the sanity of my mind.”

“Too good looking?” growled Harry. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come off it. You know perfectly well that I like my men how I like my tea. Hot and British” winked Eggsy helping himself to the vodka. Taking away the booze clearly meant drinking it.

“I won’t say anything negative about your Russian paramours anymore” he whistled. “I won’t even kill them because they have the unfortunate habit to send you gifts if they are like this. Keep it up.”

“Cool motive, still murder. One of them is American, though” laughed Merlin.

“God saves us, he binge watched Brooklyn nine nine again” lamented Morgana.

“If you want to meet them” continued Merlin while ignoring everyone else “I can send you to Siberia.”

Immediately Harry threatened: “Darling, I will destroy your John Denver collection, if you do that.”

“Sweetheart, your Elton John collection will suffer for it” was the rebuttal.

At that, Roxy, who was starting to look like a lost child in a zoo, asked: “Are you sure you are not married… to each other?”

“As if” scoffed Merlin “I clearly have superior taste in women and he is bent like the proverbial penny.”

“Sweetie … don’t start. Once upon a time we were clearly more than friends” interrupted again Harry.

“Ahem.” “Oh, my apologies Eggsy.” “Once upon a time?” was the suspicious reply.

“Mon cher,” yawned Morgana. “Do shut up. Let the past stay where it deserves. In the past.”

“I’m still too sober for this” said Lancelot. “I’m going to bed. Some of us have missions in the morning. In Guatemala. So, good night.”

She swayed regally out of the room, while Eggsy plopped himself in Harry’s lap and proceeded to snog him. 

Merlin started to make fake retching sounds, but Morgana wisely took him by hand and she steered him towards their rooms, demanding “cuddle time”.

Harry detached himself briefly from Eggsy and he convinced him to go to bed, patting him fondly on his arse, while Hamish and JB settled down in their beds near the fireplace, thinking that humans were really bonkers.

**Author's Note:**

> Another little idea that popped into my head. They won't leave me alone.  
> Nonsense abounds.  
> Still not Beta-ed.  
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
